It started with my cat is a bully

My cat reminds me so much of my abusers.  I have known this for a while.  I still don’t know how or what to do with it.

He’s a 16 pound cat, that isn’t fat.  He is just huge.  Along with his size, he has a big ego, big attitude and has serious control issues.

He is demanding, obnoxious, dominant and pushy.  I almost can’t stand him.  I’ve had him for 13 years and while he has always been like this, it got worse when my two alpha dogs died over the past three years.

He’s always been rude with me, but now he is taking it out and trying to control the dogs and he’s doing a good job at it.  It infuriates me to no end.  He keeps triggering off the anger in me that goes beyond him.  I’m so fucking angry right now after spending some time with him I want to throw up.  Or I’m going to start hyperventilating.

He is and will always be a total jerk, but the triggering it is doing is starting up again and I don’t know what to do with all this anger!  This fucking hot anger!

I want to scream, but I can’t

I want to run,but I can’t

I want to hit and throw, but I can’t

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH ALL OF THIS????

(leaves room)

(puts in Nine Inch Nail concert)

(screams and sings while dancing with dogs)

*relief*

 

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Still struggling with Responsibility

Years ago, I had a woman come up to me after a 12-step meeting who said, “When you start taking responsibility for yourself, you will be free.”

I blew her words off, because she didn’t know the story of my abuse, just that I had been abused.  I have tried many times to understand her statement, yet I am still confused by it.

When I take responsibility for myself and my actions, I feel like I am swallowing the whole pill of what happened to me.  It sticks like a glob of peanut butter in my throat that I can’t get down no matter how much I try and wash it down.  I don’t know how to separate the past and present when it comes to my personal responsibility.

On top of this I tend to blame my husband for everything.  I don’t see it.  I have a complete blind spot when it comes to this.  I had a revelation, when we were talking one night, that my date rapist was “still with me” and I’d been struggling to let him go.  I had a glimpse of what that meant, but I don’t know what to do about it.  To really identify it and face it because it is just one tangled strand in this massive web of my abuse.

Thankfully I rarely have flashbacks and memories anymore, but I do have dreams.  Plenty of them.  Especially of the date rapist.  The one who played the friend card til the end.  The one who made it seem we were best friends and so much more.  The one who twisted my thoughts to contort around his beliefs while I “paid” him back with blow jobs for all his buddies.  I hung on like a puppy dog because I thought he was the “one” all the while he was laughing at me behind my back.  And in my drug-induced manic state I believed he was God.  I mean the actual God.   To this day whenever I think God is laughing (goodhearted) I hear the date rapists laugh.

I don’t understand why I can’t clear my mind of him.

Blackout after blackout, I was degraded by him over and over.

And I thought he was fucking perfect.  So perfect to be the actual God.

And I really can’t even get mad about it.  I probably deserved it on some level.  (just my thoughts)  I know I’m not suppose to think that way, but I can’t help it.  IF, IF, IF, I’d been a better friend, co-worker or whatever than I was, and until I learned the errors of my ways, I deserved what I got.  And that goes back to my original abusers.

Can anyone relate and still have your abusers in your head??

 

 

 

 

Does PTSD ever really end?

I think I lost 2 days of my life when one of my dogs got sick from the heat and I flashbacked to when my first dog, Brut was dying.  Feelings I didn’t feel at the time that came back with the fear of my dog, Chance, was ill.  Although it turned out to be nothing more than an unseasonable heat wave with high humidity that caused him to vomit, the weather went back to being cool, springlike temperatures and he was fine.  I, on the other hand wasn’t.  While Chance recovered in a day and a half, it took me about 3 days to come to the conclusion that he was OK and was going to be OK.

During that time when Brut was dying, I checked out emotionally.  I don’t remember feeling a thing.  I just took care of him, made him as comfortable as possible and gave him his medication.  I can play the whole video in my head of his last months and when we had to call the vet to end his life, but there are no feelings attached to any of it.

And I wonder, will I always handle trauma and tragedy like this?  Months or years later something will trigger those old, hidden feelings?  Will it always be this way because of the childhood abuse I suffered through and now this is the only way my brain knows how to handle it?

I’m doing OK now, it was just so unexpected.