It’s all me. Bipolar, PTSD, and childhood abuse

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I’m bipolar. I should probably add this fact to my ‘about me’ page because I really need to write about it.    Like many out there I struggle with highs and lows, along with my PTSD from an abusive childhood.  I can move on slowly from my past, but being bipolar since it hasn’t stopped yet, is probably for life.

It has taken many years of suicidal thoughts and fly-to-the-moon manias to only find myself in the hospital with yet another case of being bipolar.  It took 20 years for me to finally believe I had the disorder.  Another 10 years of playing with my meds trying to decide if I wanted to live or not before ending up having a pyschotic break to start on the path of healing that I have been on now for the last 3 years.  Steering me in the direction of finding the right medicial cocktail, taking my medication at scheduled times every day and a couple of doctors who helped address my PTSD that I had been diagnosed with since my first hospitalization, but no one had ever mentioned to me.   I was also given the gift of taking part in the doctor’s choices for medication.  I’d been on enough different ones that I was able to pick and chose the ones that worked the best.  This is how we were able to come up with the latest medication combination.  So far, it has been working.

I’ve played with this disorder for a very long time, never really taking it very seriously.  My past was always breaking down the door when I’d find my self at a breakthrough and bipolar was put on the back burner.  I am actually just realizes this as I type it.  The flashbacks and memories I was bombarded with took over my entire life.  I don’t know how I ever focused on anything else, but being I have a husband, a dog family of 6 and two cats, I had to take care of them.  Somehow I bobbled my way through.  I was finally able to take a serious look at my disorder just these last 4 months when the doctor upped the dosage for the last time on one medication which left me to become more stabilzed and lessen the effects of the PTSD.  Whew!  What a mouthful.

It has taken quite some time, trial and errors, and the ride isn’t over yet, for any of it.  I still get triggers from my past, which flares up my PTSD AND my bipolar disorder.  The best part of being where I am at mentally is that I’m able to have some control over how I handle each of these.  The flashback may set me back a few days.  It is like getting a blow to the stomach, but I’m not flying to the moon and then into the pits of hell to gain conscienceness.  The ripple effects of recovering is more like a stone being thrown into still waters, as opposed to a boulder.  It has helped me cope tremendously and given me the chance to heal.

Until today, I didn’t really realize how far I’d come.  Just writing this down has given me quite a sense of confidence and relief.  I really heading in the right direction.  ☺

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