I don’t know about anyone else, but by age three I had it crammed down my throat that I was responsible for the entire world’s downfall. I’d already been programmed that it was my fault for the abuse that was happening to me and that everyone would be better off without me here.
I grew up carrying the entire weight of the world on my shoulders and I swallowed it whole. No matter how many times I tried to be perfect and make it better, I always, always failed.
I didn’t have anything that resemble a normal life, but it became the norm for me. For thirty years I lived this way, taking on every bit of responsibility that happened on this Earth and I still struggle to this day with that awful word called: responsibility. It always feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Even the love responsibilities, like my husband, and my dogs and cats. They can feel like a huge burden I can’t bear. And if you knew me, my animals and my husband are my life. They have been my healing process and the only ones that keep saving me over and over, with God’s help, they are the only reason I want to live.
That’s what my abusers have done to me. They made me eat all of their shit so they didn’t have to. They didn’t have to take any responsibility for anything they did. And while during my healing process I have been able to hand back to them the things they were physically responsible for, I have yet to pluck through the web of their lies of what is mine and what is theirs.
I’ve come a long way. Most days I live more in the here and now and can handle those responsibilities with hubby and animals, but there are still many days I am overwhelmed by these same responsibilities. My family means everything in the world to me and I don’t want to let them down or hurt them, but I fall short many times. Especially when I am going through my depression and as I’m sure many of you can understand, it’s difficult to do much of anything in a depression.
Responsibility still feels the same to me. I do not find it a relief to take it on and be an adult about it. It can feel like life and death choice because when I pick up one branch of responsibility, I get the whole tree. I do not see how taking responsibility for myself will make me feel better, it is all I have done and then some. I don’t know how to cut out all the past feelings from the present. I wish I could because I’m tired of dragging all this crap around with me, its exasperating. And I am so very tired…