I’ve been feeling quite trapped inside my head when it finally dawned on me I had somewhere to go to tell my story.  Here!  Around others who understand and get it without a lot of explanation.  Where I can express my feelings and not be judged because I’m bipolar.  That’s when I felt the shackles lift.

My dog who is dying has a mass on his spleen and is bleeding internally, is going up and down like a rapid bipolar cycler and I am following him.  He can be up and doing OK one minute and what seems like the next minute he can hardly lift his head, only to find him walking around on wobbly legs.  It’s like being on a teeter-tater that’s sitting on a merry-go-round.

I am having a very challenging time as you might imagine.  I have no idea if this is normal for someone dealing with a dying loved one, but it is normal right now for me.

And I have such a hard time making myself take a break from him.  So worried that something will happen if I leave him.  I have five other dogs that need walks and alone time that I haven’t done because I don’t want to leave him.

We are taking him in for x-rays in a couple of days to find out if the tumor has spread to his lungs, that will tell us if it’s cancerous or not.  If not then he is a candidate for surgery to remove spleen and tumor.

When we can afford it.

Everything is moving too slow and fast all at the same time.

One minute I’m crying, the next I’m exhausted then frustrated, then depressed.  Next thing I know I’m full of hope and smiling.

It’s pretty crazy.

But just the thought of being able to blog here, brought the greatest sense of relief.  It made everything OK.  And I needed some relief, being a full-time caregiver to my sick dog.

This diagnosis came so sudden as with his symptoms and it has been a ride ever since.  But then everything with this dog has been a ride, I just never expected it to come to this.

We do have a small donation page, if you would like contribute.

I normally would not ask, but people have been asking my husband and I, so we set one up.  The link is HERE.

Or you can go to our dog blog, the 24 Paws of Love and donate there.  My boy’s name is Brut.  You can’t miss him.  🙂

Thank you.  Thank you for letting me come here and be part of more than myself and not alone in my struggles with my disorder.  I can not believe the comfort I have received by just thinking of blogging today and sharing my story and feelings.  I’m sorry for anyone who like me has bipolar disorder, but I’m so glad I am not alone in all this mess.  I’m so glad I have others to lean on and whom I hope will lean on me.

Thank you again.

My Heart Dog Brut and Me

My Heart Dog Brut and Me


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