This must be proof that the meds are working

If anything has put my meds to the test, dealing with death would surely do that.  I was worried when my dog Brut died that one of two things would happen: I would either go off the deep end or I would feel nothing.  Well, I haven’t gone through either.  Although I have had some scares when I have felt numb for a day or two and didn’t think anything would snap me out of it, only to have some tears break loose that wall.

My feelings, being what I know about grief, seem to be in proportion with the sadness, numbness, and depression that can accompany it.  There are also periods of time when I feel OK and times when I am happy and they too also seem to be completely natural in this grieving process.

Which is good, because I have 5 other dogs (all related to Brut) that are grieving themselves and need me to be there for them.

And while I should be jumping up and down about after 20-some years of finding the right combination of chemicals that work with my brain, all I feel is sadness and loss for the love of dog who saved my head and heart while going through many depression, manias and psychotic episodes..

And that’s what I will remember most about this time period and for the rest of my life.

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