Like a 2 x 4…

“You fight me on everything!”

“No I don’t!”

And then my husband proceeded to list just a few of the ideas that I had seriously protested that were his.  One being blogging, for example.

And as he recounted this list for what was the umpteenth time in our 15 year marriage, the conviction made a dent in my head.  I scratched my head as I scratched the surface of what was beginning to dawn on me…I have fought almost every idea that my husband has had.

It was like getting hit with a 2 x 4 all of these years and finally feeling the blow.

For thirty years I wasn’t allowed to have my own thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc. because of the control of my abusers.  I was completely under their thumb.  I never had a way out and the last thing I could do was fight for myself.  I learned very young to submit in order to save my life.  It was automatic as breathing that I was less than and I was conditioned to be a slave to whomever wanted one. I couldn’t see it then.

My husband is the exact opposite of any of my abusers.  He has loved me unconditionally through flashbacks, memories, manias, depression, being suicidal and psychotic.  I can not begin to grasp what HE has been through with me, but honestly I still can’t get a total grasp on what has happen to me or the ability to see beyond my own pain, delusions and such.

I have been so blessed with him, yet my head and my conditioning for survival, gets in the way of seeing that.

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