Food grounds me. Or more correctly, being or feeling full grounds me.
As a child (and still now) I would dissociate all of the time. I don’t know how many times I’ve come out of my skin, especially when I am hungry and feeling empty inside. And while I love food and do have an addiction to it, it isn’t the food itself that grounds me when I’m trying to escape myself, it’s the fullness. It brings me back to something real and keeps me in touch with myself so I don’t want to “leave.”
I started a change in my diet about four weeks ago and through this process, I’ve been eating less without really thinking about it. I stop eating when I feel satisfied, which usually means one helping. (and I am one who always goes for seconds-no matter what.) Another childhood skill I learned when dealing with sexual abuse, trying to fill that void of love and feeling real. And I’m really at a place in my life that I don’t need food to fill that anxious need. (Now if I could fill that need that cigarettes give me, that would be a dream come true. But that is another story for another time.)
Anyways…I just discover this brainstorm realization today, for the first time. The last couple of years or so I’ve been aware that food would ground me from manias or dissociating before my meds were straightened around this past year, but I never made the association between how feeling full helped in centering me. When I am hungry, it isn’t a little growl, it is a starving ROAR that I can only stop by eating, or I literally feel like I’m dying and won’t survive. It’s horrible what two parents can do to a child. Two parents who sexually abused me…AT.THE.SAME.TIME! I didn’t have anyone that could ground me, food and being full was all I had in this fucked up world of mine. There was nothing safe. There was no love, no comfort, no nothing but food. And thank goodness for all the cocaine they gave me or I would have been as fat as a pumpkin for all I ate. I could never get enough in me to stay grounded as a kid nor as an adult. And as you may know, meds have a funny way of catching everything up when it comes to food and weight. Again another story…
I’m really happy making this connection with being full and my dissociating. It only gives me more reason to continue on my path and put my abusers in their place-not in my head. And just by writing this out as I usually do I discover something more about myself. I have some info to look up first, but I will share when the time is right. I really love blogging! Don’t you?