Today’s word: Vulnerability–vulnerable quality or condition; a being open to attack or injury.
The word struck like a little electrical chord through the top of my head.
Then I twirled around with it like a fork with spaghetti.
All the while trying to figure out why this word kept tapping further and further into my brain.
Cracking the shell deeper and deeper until that raw nerve was shown.
And like a candle to a wick, I blew out the fuse.
And then I danced. And danced. And danced.
I was being vulnerable. The answer to my own question, do you think your post are stupid?
I knew it was me that was calling me stupid, (another in long list from my past) not really the post, but I could never really understand why my words were always hurting me, even when they weren’t about me.
Wait a minute, let me back up a sec…
There was something so cool about a comment I got from Mike Webster on this same post:
RG, you’re not alone.
A lot of writers struggle both with their processes and their results. They continue, however, in faith that what they must accomplish through their writing is too important to allow their critical inner voices to silence it.
Your family history and your medical issues have given you a voice that is both strong and delicate. Your story is compelling and needs to be told, but its telling requires you to be vulnerable. In particular, it requires you to show yourself to others when you do not feel that you, or your writing, are at your best. Growth and risk travel together.
So use your space to share what you need to share, within the parameters you yourself define. The people who are on the same road you’re traveling will appreciate the honesty and the bravery you show with each post.
This started the whirling and twirling and reorganizing of my brainy thoughts. Vulnerable was the key. Vulnerable was what I was being sharing myself on “paper” and the whole world.
I was never meant to talk. I was meant to silenced for all eternity, whether that be dead or alive. In fact I wasn’t suppose to live this long. My life span has double from the time I was programmed to kill myself.
So me speaking up, saying words like childhood abuse and recovery, living and even thriving, are beyond MY comprehension…what the hell do my abuser’s think?
I was the one who got away.
I still can’t believe it sometimes.
Sometimes throwing around words like abuse and surviving are so common, I almost forget the impact and power it all had over my life and still does today.
And it took that one word, vulnerability, to make me feel proud of myself again. One, because I am taking that chance and putting myself out there and two, because I’m surviving and enjoying it.
So my post may never look good to me until months or years later down the road, I still took the chance to write them and I know that about myself. And I’m OK, no I’m great with that. So I can’t go back and read it right away, big deal. It’s hitting publish that beats those demons every time.
Do you feel your own vulnerability when you blog?