There’s no getting to how difficult this is for me

I’ve strived to be perfect my whole life.  I had to in order to survive my childhood abusers.  I understand that and the role I had to play, what I don’t understand is how it is fucking up my adult married life.  I mean, I literally don’t get it.  I’ve been so programmed by my abusers that I can not see through the veil.  30 years of abuse is so much to change from.

I met my husband in recovery 16 years ago.  We meshed like velcro.  Completely stuck together.  After a month of seeing each other we got married and we were still learning about each other.  I don’t know when the depression slid its way back in, but it did.  He couldn’t understand it, we were in love and happy, but I wanted to die.  Flashbacks, manias, depressions, memories, it all became too much for him.  He didn’t know what to do as time continued and the same symptoms kept happening.  We are both hurting.  This is my attempt to try to right all those wrongs and things that have been said.

I feel like I have blinders on when it comes to myself and my actions and reactions.  For 30 years nothing that happened to me was my fault, yet I still have faults and I am really trying to understand and change that reaction.  I have no problem pointing the finger at any and all of my abusers.  But I struggle with the one point back at me and playing a part in the problem.  Like teaching a baby.

This whole process brings us to issues of trust.  My bipolar and childhood issues are grinding on our trust with each other, but mostly my willingness to trust him.  Which is another story for another day.  (that has nothing to do with affairs or cheating)

I am cynical, sarcastic, judgmental, more negative than positive, look for the bad in people then try to perfect them in my mind.

Yes, it’s a sick, sick world and I’m looking for a way out.

Writing is my therapy and need to make another appointment.  🙂

Any comments would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you!

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2 thoughts on “There’s no getting to how difficult this is for me

  1. Some one recently told me that, “I imagine the return of your depression has you furious. From what you wrote about how you are feeling it seems you have forgotten this is a biological thing, it is not your fault, you have not suddenly turned into a failure.” I am not sure I believe this yet, but it gave some thoughts to consider. I hope you find hope. I am still searching.

    Liked by 1 person

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