Learning to Grieve-Tears for Me

When my dog, Brut, died a year ago, he was the closest being I’d ever lost.  It was the first time I really learned what it meant to grieve thoroughly.  We were like twins and he was everything to me…comforter, therapist, playmate, best friend, and my canine soulmate.  I’ve never felt a greater loss when I lost him.  Coming full circle on his year anniversary has brought me to a place I’d never thought I would be, grieving for myself and everything that has been taken from me with the years of abuse I’ve suffered.

I’ve known I should do it, maybe even touched on it here and there in my life.  I’ve done everything I can do to heal from all this pain and misery and this is the only thing left.  And I’m doing it with Brut’s blessings.  I need to rid myself of all these lies and bullshit, by forgiving myself and I’m doing that by grieving for me.

The process has already begun.  Brut taught me how to grieve for him, now I am following in his paw prints as he leads me down into the next phase of my life.  It’s like pulling up the root of what I thought was a plant only to find it is a weed that leaves a giant hole.

The songs playing through my head recently are all by Don Henley off of his End of the Innocence Album.  End of the Innocence, New York Minute, and Heart of the Matter are my theme songs at the moment and I’m taking them to heart.

I know I am not very good at being consistent with my blogging, but I would really like to blog about this part of my journey as I really can’t believe I am here and where this will take me.  I’m scared, excited, but right now I am really, really sad and yet it feels good to be sad just for me.

Until next time…

Take care ❤

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5 thoughts on “Learning to Grieve-Tears for Me

  1. This is so beautifully expressed. I saw my psychiatrist today about my constant crying over the loss of my dog a few weeks ago. That grieving has also led to the griefing of everything taken from me as a child through abuse. Thank you for posting!

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  2. I think you may have just unlocked the mystery of the last few months for me!!!! My dog passed away of cancer 3 months ago. I cried for him for weeks and then just abruptly stopped. He was truly my everything. Which people think I’m crazy when I say because I have a husband and a child and of course i love them with all of my heart. My dog was just…different. He was unconditional. His love was like nothing I had ever experienced and his loss was huge. The biggest loss I’ve ever felt OTHER THAN my childhood. So I never cried over the loss of my childhood really. And about a month ago I started crying again after seemingly processing the loss of my dog to an extent, prob never get over him fully, and every night am just consumed with this deep sadness. I think the loss of him stirred up the other losses. I initially read your post and did realize that grieving him led to other grief but not until I read it again I’did I realize how deeply that really did resonate. I had forgotten. I forgot why I was crying. I just reread and you posted this three months ago right after his passing. I haven’t seen that therapist again and honestly was thinking lately what on earth is wrong with me. Sorry to ramble on here. I just am glad I went back and reread this. It helped me twice it appears !!

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    • I’m glad it helped. Grief is one of those mysteries of life. And I agree, the love of a dog is so different than humans, because it is pure and unconditional. I went through the same feelings when I lost my dog, Brut, and found myself crying or angry at my abusers because it was hitting so deep. Deep, deep into my core of my being. And for once in my life I was in a safe place to embrace it and feel it out with my dog’s spirit right next to me helping me through. Brut taught me that and while painful has been a beautiful, healing experience. I’m so glad you were touched by my experience. Thank you so much for your words. They are healing for me too. Thank you so much for sharing.

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