I think I am through the worst of it.

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(my wildflowers still kicking in the third week of Oct.  unheard of in these parts!)

Actually I think I am past the worst of it.  My past.  (childhood/adult abuse, PTSD, and being bipolar.)  I really believe I am starting to gain some ground, that my feet are digging in and I am moving forward.  I almost can’t believe the words I write, but it is true.

My days are focusing on the present, for the most part and looking toward the future.  Something I have never had before.  No reason ever.  I have been thanking God for being alive for some time, but now I am thanking him for living.  Living every day.  Having all my senses and being able to think and believe with abandoned freedom.

FREEDOM!

To make choices.  To see the black…and the white.  Looking up and down.  Feeling.  Laughing.  Living.  Dancing.  Breathing.  Loving.

It is BEAUTIFUL!

It is WONDERFUL!

To not ever go BACK!

I have worked very hard for the last 17 years since my husband and I got married to find this place of peace of mind. They have been very long years of grueling through layers and layers of shit to find that new, shiny penny that is the heart and soul of me.

I’m not cured.  I still have all of the above on line 2 that consist of my past, but they don’t rule me anymore.  They don’t control my every thought and move.  And they don’t try to destroy me anymore, I destroy them.  (the memories etc.)

I didn’t know that HERE existed.  I couldn’t have told you when I started this discovery and healing process 26 years ago that such a place of peace was possible.  I thought I would always be in chaos and pain for the rest of my life.  Yet, here I am, telling you that it is possible.  More than possible.  I’m living it every day and I am proud to say, if I can do it…you can too.

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