It wasn’t one thing. It was a series of events that snowballed to create a trigger from my childhood abuse. It wasn’t long before the paranoid thoughts were starting to swirl around from everywhere and big fat tears that wouldn’t stop. If I’d been off my meds or cutting down, I would have been up and down a scary road. But when I finally realized something was out of whack, I actually had a choice whether to follow those paranoid thoughts, after of course I was safe with my husband and the threat of those voices. (which meant turning off the TV)
It was like, OK, I’ve been here before and it was a lie. The weatherman wasn’t talking to me or giving me a secret signal that everything was going to be OK. Or the anchorwoman wasn’t reading my thoughts or the commercials telling me just the opposite. It was a strange feeling, but looking back on experience I was able to decipher that I was having delusional thoughts. Then I went back through the series of events that lead up to this bizarre but normal thinking for me and found a trigger. It was a good one. With much impact. Then I went into telling my husband everything that was going on. Just talking it out diffused the switch in my head to keep going on with the thoughts. Next I was able to accept it and that I wasn’t crazy, it is just my survival skills kicking in from years and years of practice. And then it was pretty much over. I needed some extra sleep and some good down time, but I am doing good and I was proud of myself for just recognizing that I was even headed down a path. I’d been like that all day. The TV was my reference point that made me question my sanity and what was actually going on. It was pretty cool!
The whole episode was going on for a couple of days at least, but really it was many different things coming together almost at once. The fact that I noticed something wasn’t right, says a lot to me. Before I would have rode that wave. For the high and the low, but I didn’t need to. It was the power of having a choice that really made all the difference. Do I want to stay here or do I want to get out of this and go there?
The mind is so powerful. I’m so blessed to still have one.
How about you? Do you appreciate your mind?