I failed.

I have failed.  After two days of not smoking (tobacco) outside, I just don’t have the desire to continue.  And in a lot of ways I don’t care.  My depression has gotten the best of me.  Still reeling from the death of my dog, the middle of a very blah winter, it all seems quite mute.

Really it just comes down to desire.  As an addict, if I don’t have the desire, God can’t give me the strength to follow through and so I am back to square one again.  I really lost my desire when my dog, Silver died five weeks ago today.  I just lost it.

God and prayers, I can do it again or just quit all together.  This fucking habit sucks.  Depression sucks. Losing my girl sucks.

I miss my girl.  My feelings are numb but there.  Like they are just sitting on top of my nerves, sucking on them like a leach.

I don’t know how I will ever get through this again after losing my heart dog, Brut, a year and a half earlier.

God help me!dscn0553 My Silver-May she rest in peace.

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