I grew up a pretty skinny kid.  When I reached my teens and hit 100 pounds, I was told I was fat.  I felt like I was HUGE.  It was until my early 20’s that I actually gained weight for the first time because of the psychotropic medication I was on when I had a complete and total psychotic break from drugs, my childhood abuse and discovering I was bipolar.  The weight I gained came on very quickly and stayed for the next 20-some years.

I have tried everything to beat the medicine at it’s game.  The only time I have ever been able to lose weight is if I’m off my meds.  My last psychosis, five years ago, ballooned me almost back up to my peak weight.  And I was so tired, tired, tired, of being heavy and not being able to lose any weight.

About a month ago, I started lifting weights.  I have always wanted muscle and definition and I’m getting that even after such a short period of time.

I am starting to find my own definition.

One of my mental roadblocks to losing weight is being that “skinny kid” again.  The one who was hurt.  That my body will look “inviting” again and it will be “wanted.”  I don’t want to claim my body back only to get those “looks.”  I’m talking strangers, friends, acquaintances.  And I’m not saying nor do I think I will end up with the hottest body around and everyone will want me.  But I’ve been told I am a pretty girl and my current body weight has been a shield to ward off all those “looks,” “glances,” and “wants.”  To keep bad men at bay.  I know that’s a bunch of shit, it’s not like my body could protect me from being molested and raped, but I can’t help but feel like my heavier self is more protected than if I were to lose the weight.  I’ve done all kinds of exercises to lose weight, but it has been the weight lifting that has brought this fear to the forefront.

I must be making some progress for this buried fear to surface.

So this is what I’ve been thinking about.  And it’s NOT stopping me from getting my dumbbells out.  Something must be working.

Any thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “

  1. Weight has always been a challenge for me too because I equate a certain weight with abuse and security at another weight. It also is something I can control and it becomes a head game for me that is very unhealthy. When I could lift weights I did so obsessively. I just couldn’t find balance. Now, if I had the opportunity to lift weights again I would keep it in balance and set boundaries so I didn’t become obsessive. I have to do that with my weight now. Always keeping my thoughts in check. I do understand the connection of weight and abuse and safety and it is so complicated

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exactly! The head games and the control issues…I’ll go from not eating, to bingeing, to control eating. It is so difficult to just let go. My meds don’t help either because they slow everything down. That’s why I started lifting weights to help boost my metabolism. The whole thing sucks! lol

      Like

      • Which meds are you on? Mirtazapine was impossible to lose weight!
        Im so sorry. I know it sucks!im glad you’re lifting weights. That can be very empowering

        Like

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