He leaves

My insides empty out

And I feel the death inside of me rise



I feel nothing.

All of my hopes and dreams

Dissipate above me

and rain like tar over my body

gluing me to this nightmare even longer

seeping through my pores

to match the poison inside

you left with me

this can’t be the same one who loved me

just minutes ago

the blackness of death

reaches my soul

the cycle is complete.


These words came to me as my husband left for work today.  I always crash after he leaves as the day becomes longer.  That’s when I realized what it was that I feel every time he’s gone…abandonment.  It started out about my husband leaving, but morphed into my true source of abandonment, my abusers.

I’ve never understood what abandonment meant or how it really felt to recognize it.  Today, I got it.  Today I could actually put the word with the feeling.  I was able to feel it and see it.  It is a start.


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