My God, My God why are you like me?

I am finding that how I see myself is how I see God.

I can’t do the impossible.  I was not big enough or strong enough to fight off my childhood abusers, even with God’s help.

I couldn’t stop the evil that happened to me.  I was weak…spiritually, mentally and physically.  I couldn’t pass the test.  If I couldn’t stop it even with his help, what’s to say I can do it now?

I feel like I let God down by not being able to fight off my attackers and the attackers of others.  How could I disappoint him so much?

I couldn’t fight anymore when they attacked me, I had to give in to survive, but at what cost?

I am so exhausted from fighting this battle, I imagine God is too and that he is weary like me.

And while I am so grateful to have survived the battle, I can not win the war.  And I’m afraid it is too much for God too.

Everything seems overwhelming and impossible to me.  Healing from the past and being able to embrace the future.  I have to believe God feels the same.

I have read, learned and studied about God, to know all these are false, but it doesn’t stop the feeling.  I know how powerful evil is, living in it all my life and it was 1,000 times bigger than me.  I have doubts that God is more powerful than than what I experienced.

I don’t feel this way all the time, but it is that doubt that curbs my faith.  Even though he saved my life so many times and I am finally free from the abuse, but in my mind he still isn’t big enough.

This has many commutations that show more about how I see myself and the way I was abused.  I have known these feelings and thoughts, but it is really the first time I’ve really addressed it.     The brainwashing was intense and doesn’t scrub away easily.  It stains like ink and tar.  And I need to refresh my brain with everything that God is, LOVE.

 

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Dodging People

I am terrified of people.  I’ve tried to deny it in all certain ways, but people scare the crap out of me and summer is the worst.

There are workers at my neighbor’s house doing the yard and I’m staying in the house “dodging” them.

I go all winter without seeing a soul out and about and then all of the sudden there they are.  Here, there and everywhere.  And there is no phasing of seeing more people, it always seems like it is all the sudden.  No acclimation period at all.

And I feel naked and exposed with the sun out, like a spotlight, a replica of the abuse I suffer from a group of people.  People whom your taught to trust and be able to run to in the face of the danger, were the danger.

So I am hanging out in the house, getting things done inside.  Which is fine with me, as I have plenty to do.  By dinner time everyone will be gone and I will have my yard to myself again.  Beside, the dogs prefer the evening hours anyways, as it is cooler outside.

 

And just like that…

my depression is gone.  It is like a took a step and my legs sprang forward.  I finally came to peace with my meds.  I’m not taking the Latuda and I am taking 1mg less of the Respirdol, as prescribed by my doctor, even though I was suppose to be taking the Latuda in it’s place.  Cutting back on the Respirdol is something I’ve been wanting to do for the last couple of years, but I have been scared to, for fear of sliding backward mentally.  But I’m taking the fact that my doctor prescribed the smaller dose as a sign that I’m ready.   I’m feeling pretty strong and more than ready.  I will be starting tomorrow…wish me luck!