I’m sorry, that’s all the time we have for you today!

dscn1393I’ve made peace with most things in my life.  The abuse, the torture, the brainwashing, but one thing I can’t seem to let go of is the anger.

The rage at myself, it is as common as breathing.

The rage at THEM for contorting my mind into a twisted mess.

The rage of having to heal FROM THEM.

The anger that causes most of my depression and anxiety.

Lashing out at my husband because I my survival instinct automatically kicks in not to be hurt again.

A lifetime of living on the edge of suicide.

Thinking I didn’t deserve to be here.  Had no right to.  Was programmed to kill myself.

FIGHTING AND FIGHTING FOR THE RIGHT TO EXIST, LET ALONE LIVE.

AND I’M SO SICK AND TIRED OF IT.

SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF IT.

REPEAT.

REPEAT.

REPEAT.

They say you are getting better when you turn from suicidal to homicidal…

WELL MOTHERFUCKERRS YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN ME YET.  AND ONE THING YOU SPARKED ALONG THE WAY WITH YOUR ABHORRED CRUELTY —IS THE FIGHT IN ME THAT HAS NEVER STOPPED.

I HAVEN’T GIVEN UP YET.

I WILL BEAT YOU AT YOUR OWN SICK GAME.

YOU WILL PAY.  YOU WILL PAY MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE…

GOD HAS A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL JUST FOR YOU.

Oops! I’m sorry, that’s all the time we have for you today.

ON WITH MY LIFE!

 

I failed.

I have failed.  After two days of not smoking (tobacco) outside, I just don’t have the desire to continue.  And in a lot of ways I don’t care.  My depression has gotten the best of me.  Still reeling from the death of my dog, the middle of a very blah winter, it all seems quite mute.

Really it just comes down to desire.  As an addict, if I don’t have the desire, God can’t give me the strength to follow through and so I am back to square one again.  I really lost my desire when my dog, Silver died five weeks ago today.  I just lost it.

God and prayers, I can do it again or just quit all together.  This fucking habit sucks.  Depression sucks. Losing my girl sucks.

I miss my girl.  My feelings are numb but there.  Like they are just sitting on top of my nerves, sucking on them like a leach.

I don’t know how I will ever get through this again after losing my heart dog, Brut, a year and a half earlier.

God help me!dscn0553 My Silver-May she rest in peace.

JUST for today

Two post in one day?  Unheard of from someone who might post once a week or once a month…but here I am.

So far I’ve smoked (tobacco) outside today and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of  me.  I feel like I haven’t lost all that much ground in my fight to cutting down and quitting cigarettes.  Of course, this is only day one and we’re not through yet, but I feel good.  Like I’m back on track and doing the right thing.

From my experience day two is always the really tough day and having to make the decision all over again to smoke outside will be a bear to make.  I’m trying not to think about it and just live in the moment, just for today.  Just for this hour.  Just for this minute.