I just need to be heard

This may be long, so bare with me.  I have a mess of thoughts rolling around my head for the last couple of months and I just need someone to listen.  There is no logic or organization to them, although writing them down may help to sort them out.

Where to start…..

I think I’ll start with my depression that has been going on for about 5 months now.  It isn’t a steady downward spiral.  It is more like a rollercoaster, feeling pretty good, then like an instant drop off I fall into the gutter.  I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember, with very little happy times or manias, until I got into drugs and alcohol.  Eventually when I quit those two things,  I was put on medication for all the doctors could figure out, schizophrenia and PTSD.  Only to later be labeled with bipolar disorder and PTSD.

So where does that put me today?  Depressed.  Always depressed in some way, shape or form.  So the doctor wanted me to take Latuda, that is suppose to work for bipolar depression.  Sounds good, doesn’t it?  Except for the side effects and taking it while weaning me off Respirdol.  I haven’t taken it yet.  It’s been a week since he prescribed it and I am having an all out war in my head whether to take it or not.  Every day. Back and forth.  Most of the side effects are ones I already have, so they would be doubled.  I’ve managed the ones I have for so long they are a part of me and my routine, but I don’t know about adding more to them.  Even if it is for a short time until I’m off my old medicine.  I don’t know if it will be worth it in the long run.

I big part of me is for it (making the change to new med), and the rest of me is fighting it.  I don’t think I will be able to handle the extra drowsiness, restlessness, etc. I am already functioning at a low level to begin with, I don’t need to go further down.  I am suppose to see my doc in about a month to make adjustments and see how I am doing.  Well, I wish I knew how I am doing, cause I can’t stand the battle in my head.  One minute I’m going to take it and next I’m not.  I haven’t changed medicines in 6 years and I have suspicions that the Respirdol is making me depressed any ways.  I feel like I’m over drugged and that the Latuda will make a difference with my depression and taking too much Respirdol.

My biggest problem it usually takes me a couple of years to make any changes in medications or I end up in a crises and they do it at the hospital.  I am trying to avoid both of those.

I also wish that I could have more than what seems like 5 minutes with my doctor and get a more informed decision.  Like he told me there were no side effects (since when???)  He told me I had two choices, Latuda or keep everything the same.  (which is bullshit)  I was in a very vulnerable state when I talked to him, almost in tears talking to him, and this is what I get.

I’ve been taking meds for almost 30 years, you can not tell me that there are no other medications out there, like changing my anti-depressants, which he said I couldn’t do.  Another line of crap.  Name a medicine that doesn’t have side effects.  I dare you.  Crap!  Crap!  Crap!  He took advantage of the situation and I don’t appreciate it.  So I have no one to trust whether to take the new med or not.

Talking to my husband the other day he said it seems like I’m getting worse and worse.  That proves the depression.  And he said it seems as if I have given up.  I have in a lot of ways.  Feeling like I’ll never get a straight answer about my diagnosis and medication.  I’ve only had one doctor address my PTSD…and then her company’s contract ended and the hospital didn’t renew.

I feel lost and alone out here in this vast sea.  Tired of being a number and a time slot.  Wish I could afford to get real, good, valid help.

Can anyone relate?


It’s just Everything

It has been a long time since I have been in a depression this low.  I can’t even say what it is about except everything.  Everything is lumped into a huge ball of clay that is sitting in my gut.  I can’t explain it anymore, I can’t make it go away and my only respite is my husband.  When I’m around him, I feel better and back to normal, but the minute he leaves, I feel that pit.  Sitting there.  Weighing me down.  Trying to choke me.

I can’t stand it anymore.  I’ve had thoughts of just wanting to be with God.  I have wanted to drink.  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and why I feel the way I do, but I can’t seem to even slow it down.  I keep sinking deeper and deeper with what seems no way out.  Mostly though I just want to sleep.  And sleep.  And sleep.  Hoping I’ll wake up and this nightmare will finally be over.

Usually I’m able to mange my depression.  But this time around it has really got a hold on me.

How do you survive those deep depressions?

Depressed Hiatus

I’ve been sidetracked all winter by depression.  No energy, no effort, just a blah nothing.  My last two winters have been like this, which is unusual for me.  For the most part I enjoy winter and don’t mind it, except for maybe the duration, but as of lately it has been especially difficult.

So many times I’ve wanted to write, but can’t find any words.  My mind has been running, but with no where to go.  Some of it is the weather.  Like when I can’t walk the dogs because there is ice on the roads.  This really takes its toll on me.  There is nothing worse than being cooped up in the house with four dogs and no where to go and nothing to see.

My words feel pale and boring.  As do most parts of my life right now.  It’s that what does it really matter if I do this or that and part of me really doesn’t care.  How much difference can doing something really make?  When I just have to do it again tomorrow?

I sound stupid even to myself.  I don’t know if I’m even saying what I need to say and again, what does it really matter?

Seems like no matter how much I really try, it just doesn’t.