I failed.

I have failed.  After two days of not smoking (tobacco) outside, I just don’t have the desire to continue.  And in a lot of ways I don’t care.  My depression has gotten the best of me.  Still reeling from the death of my dog, the middle of a very blah winter, it all seems quite mute.

Really it just comes down to desire.  As an addict, if I don’t have the desire, God can’t give me the strength to follow through and so I am back to square one again.  I really lost my desire when my dog, Silver died five weeks ago today.  I just lost it.

God and prayers, I can do it again or just quit all together.  This fucking habit sucks.  Depression sucks. Losing my girl sucks.

I miss my girl.  My feelings are numb but there.  Like they are just sitting on top of my nerves, sucking on them like a leach.

I don’t know how I will ever get through this again after losing my heart dog, Brut, a year and a half earlier.

God help me!dscn0553 My Silver-May she rest in peace.

JUST for today

Two post in one day?  Unheard of from someone who might post once a week or once a month…but here I am.

So far I’ve smoked (tobacco) outside today and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of  me.  I feel like I haven’t lost all that much ground in my fight to cutting down and quitting cigarettes.  Of course, this is only day one and we’re not through yet, but I feel good.  Like I’m back on track and doing the right thing.

From my experience day two is always the really tough day and having to make the decision all over again to smoke outside will be a bear to make.  I’m trying not to think about it and just live in the moment, just for today.  Just for this hour.  Just for this minute.

Today

Addiction is a bitch.  And I am an addict through and through.  I’ve been in recovery from drugs and alcohol for eighteen years, but tobacco cigarettes have me in a vice.   It has been one of the toughest addictions I’ve ever had to think about quitting.  At the beginning of last summer I made a serious attempt to quit smoking in the house for the sake of my pets.  My rule was I could smoke all I wanted but it had to be outside.  I made it through summer, fall and the beginning of winter with all the cold, snow and wind, that was  until my dog got sick and was dying.  Then I started to falter.  After she died I fell all to pieces.  I’d say I was smoking outside about 50% of the time.  Until my addiction picked up right where I left off.  And I was practically chain smoking in the house.  I was disgusted with myself, but I couldn’t stop.  And the more I couldn’t stop the more disgusted I was and on and on it goes.

I’ve been wanting to write about this for some time, but either never had the guts or just blew it off.  Writing post after post in my head as my progress declined until I got to the point I couldn’t ignore.  I am trying again.  I started today smoking outside again.  If for nothing else, the sake of my dogs and cats.  For them, I’m doing it for today.